After being moved to the OR prep room, everything happened SO FAST! I remember my husband asking me in triage if I wanted him to call my aunts. I told him not to. I told him nothing was going to happen and we'd just be waking them for no reason. Well as I was being wheeled to prep, I told him, "ok, you can call them now." Oops! I hadn't talked to my mom since earlier in the day, so I called her while I was waiting in the prep room. I didn't get to talk to her much though because people just kept coming in and out, checking all sorts of things, and, well, prepping me! She sent me some really sweet text messages though, and tears just rolled down my face as I read them. This. Was. Happening.
I had a great OR nurse that knew just how scared I was, so she talked to me all through prep, about all kinds of things, just to get my mind off of it. The anesthesiologist finally came in to give me my epidural. I was shaking. This was my biggest fear - the freaking epidural! And it was unfolding right in front of me. They had Henry sit in a chair off to the side, in front of me. The anesthesiologist started cleaning and taping my back and I looked at Henry. He knew I was about to lose my shit, fer reals. I have no idea what he said, but he gave me this "you CAN do this" look. I took a deep breath, relaxed, and held onto the OR nurse. She talked me through it, and once it was in, I was like, well I guess this is really happening. I was in such denial that they were ready to come and that my body was ready for them to come, that none of it felt real.
Talking to my mom in OR prep.
I had a great OR nurse that knew just how scared I was, so she talked to me all through prep, about all kinds of things, just to get my mind off of it. The anesthesiologist finally came in to give me my epidural. I was shaking. This was my biggest fear - the freaking epidural! And it was unfolding right in front of me. They had Henry sit in a chair off to the side, in front of me. The anesthesiologist started cleaning and taping my back and I looked at Henry. He knew I was about to lose my shit, fer reals. I have no idea what he said, but he gave me this "you CAN do this" look. I took a deep breath, relaxed, and held onto the OR nurse. She talked me through it, and once it was in, I was like, well I guess this is really happening. I was in such denial that they were ready to come and that my body was ready for them to come, that none of it felt real.
The nurse gave Henry his instructions, the anesthesiologist came in to start my epidural, and then Henry and I sat alone for a minute. Mentally preparing for what was about to happen. I remember telling him, "No matter what happens with me, you follow the babies."
They wheeled me into the OR just before midnight.
During the delivery, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Henry asked me if I was ok, and I told him I was trying not to panic but I couldn't breathe. He told the anesthesiologist, who said "You're fine. I gave you a little too much, that's why you feel like that. But all your vitals are ok. I'm tracking your oxygen and it's perfect, just relax." Ohhhkay. For the next 30ish minutes, I was in and out of consciousness. I couldn't keep my eyes open, but I wasn't tired. I was just overly medicated (something the anesthesiologist admitted to - he said "I dosed you based on your weight, but you're not very tall, so it was too much") and my once-high blood pressure was now very low. It took everything in me not to flip the eff out because I literally had no control over anything. I vaguely remember hearing the babies' cries and Henry and a nurse holding them up, one at a time to show them to me. They were both born at 12:48am on December 3rd. Emmie (Baby A) weighed 4lbs 12oz and Ellie (Baby B) weighed 5lbs 10oz.
Off to have some babies!
During the delivery, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Henry asked me if I was ok, and I told him I was trying not to panic but I couldn't breathe. He told the anesthesiologist, who said "You're fine. I gave you a little too much, that's why you feel like that. But all your vitals are ok. I'm tracking your oxygen and it's perfect, just relax." Ohhhkay. For the next 30ish minutes, I was in and out of consciousness. I couldn't keep my eyes open, but I wasn't tired. I was just overly medicated (something the anesthesiologist admitted to - he said "I dosed you based on your weight, but you're not very tall, so it was too much") and my once-high blood pressure was now very low. It took everything in me not to flip the eff out because I literally had no control over anything. I vaguely remember hearing the babies' cries and Henry and a nurse holding them up, one at a time to show them to me. They were both born at 12:48am on December 3rd. Emmie (Baby A) weighed 4lbs 12oz and Ellie (Baby B) weighed 5lbs 10oz.
Once they were stitching me up, I told Henry to follow the babies to the nursery. He didn't want to because I was so out of it. I really don't even remember when he left. I got wheeled to recovery sometime after where I stayed for 5 hours (instead of just 2) because they couldn't get my blood pressure back up. I remember my body would just shake, uncontrollably. It felt awful. My poor husband was running back and forth between me and the nursery all night/morning. Ellie was having a hard time regulating her breathing (she swallowed meconium) and Emmie's blood sugar level and temperature kept dropping.
I finally got moved to post-partum around 6:00 in the morning, and didn't meet my own children until just after noon. I spent twelve hours (!!!) away from them and it drove me nuts! I remember calling the nursery every 30 minutes asking if they could bring my babies to me now. When they finally did bring them, Ellie came first. I looked at her and cried - I couldn't believe how tiny she was. And in that moment I feared that I hadn't done a good enough job during my pregnancy to make sure they were big enough. It's a completely irrational thought, I know that now. But I couldn't help feeling so guilty for them being so tiny. Post partum hormones do a real number on you, y'all!
Daddy holding Elizabeth (left) and Emily (right).
Looking back, I know their birth happened just the way it was supposed to. Or at least that's what I had to keep telling myself for a very long time. Rather than feeling proud and accomplished, I felt so defeated. We had the exact opposite birth of what we wanted. And to top it off, we have hardly any pictures of their birth. I was being so weird about pictures that night. And now, I regret it. Mentally I wasn't ready for them to come that night. And I truly believed that my body wasn't ready either. I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if they had let me wait it out. I'm a firm believer that cesarean birth is birth, but I also held onto so much guilt for such a long time because I don't know what it feels like to be in labor. I don't know what a contraction feels like, and as crazy as it sounds, that used to make me so sad! It's taken a long while for me to finally be ok with how Emmie and Ellie were brought into this world. There's a real part of every mom (every woman, really) that lives in the back of your head and tells you "You could have done better." And sometimes, us women give that little voice too much power. It took me nearly two years to stand up to that voice inside my head. But now that I have, I feel SO much better. I know now that I did everything I could have for my girls during my pregnancy. And that at the end, my body WAS ready for them to be born. I was just too stubborn to realize it. Our birth story may not be the story I imagined, but it's perfect because it's ours. And looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing because the precious gifts we got out of it are priceless. They don't care how they got here. All they know is that they have a mommy and a daddy who love them fiercely and that's enough for me. <3
Momma and babies skin to skin. We were all exhausted.
Emmie
Ellie
Home.❤
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